Kaycee & Aryanna:
March 4th,2014 I was in an accident. An for some reason the last month I've just thought "What if I hadn't made it?" Now don't get me wrong I did but a lot rushed through my mind that day. I will forever be thankful Kaycee wasn't with me and Aryanna wasn't harmed but I will try to explain this as best as possible. When I saw the car coming I knew there was nothing I could do to change the outcome. I remember slamming against the door and the car spinning around. When it stopped, I couldn't believe I was still there. I heard Aryannas scream in the back and silence and that was when I lost it. I started screaming for others to help and they just kept driving, some stopped for the other car that hit me. I hope by the time, if it comes, that you read this society is different. That people are more caring and aren't so "Im too busy for this" or "Im going to mind my own". I have always stopped when I witnessed an accident. Its the proper thing to do in my eyes. It's ok to show you care. Work will always be there.... or whatever event/place your rushing too but someones life may not be and even if you don't know them, had someone stopped that day and helped me.... I'd have been grateful.
My point of writting this was because I can't say I'd know where you guys would have ended up, had something happened. I want the both of you to know I have and always will love you. I have fought for both of you since the minute I knew you exsisted. Kaycee, though things between your dad and I didn't work for us to stay together, he will always be a good friend to me. We were civil and his family has helped so much the last year it's unbelievable. They have went so out of thier way to make sure you and Aryanna have whatever it is you may need. Aryanna, I love your daddy. He's going through some difficult patches right now which is why I can't say you'd be with him. A big life lesson you two is that EVERYONE makes mistakes. You win some you lose some. Don't ever be afraid to lose because sometimes thats what helps you achieve the next win. I chose Chaz because he was remarkable to me. Words cannot express the way he made me feel. The bond he has/had with Kaycee amazed me. It's one thing when a mother or father can love thier child. Its a whole other thing when one can love a child and bond with them and not be obligated too. Thats another lesson, Giving birth or making a baby does not make you a parent. Being there and loving that child unconditionally does.
If I could ever give you any pointers on parenting, BE PATIENT. Yes you will be tired, hungry, maybe broke and you may smell now and then :) But you will NEVER find another bond of love stronger then the one you share with your child(ren). I hope if this day ever comes I made you both proud. That I made that unconditional love clear. I will always try to accept you both reguardless of the people you become (though Im going to hope for well behaved memebers of society LOL). For both of you the sleepless nights, the days of being sick, the spit up or as your older vomit, was worth every damn minute. I wouldn't trade either of you for the world. The first time I heard your cries, held you tiny little hands or looked into your eyes and said "I love you". Knowing you couldn't respond and not sure you understood but it still counted. You'll both forever be the bestest friends I have and I hope as you get older you'll be able to come to me about anything. Grandpa Shawn was always a good ear for mommy to vent too. He tries his best to give unbiased advice but sometimes I forget, he's still my dad SO it's bound to be biased now and then. Grandma Tina and I were always good at butting heads but the end of the day, she's still my mom and I'd b so lost without her. BUT if you hadn't already figured this out don't force them into the same room, there's a reason they're divorced ;)
Your relationships may not work, you may marry more than once, you may have kids in different relationships like I did. You may go to college, you may flip burgers, you may go to church but then again you might not. Whatever you do with life make sure your happy SCREW EVERYONE ELSE.... Y-O-U need to be happy first. I've wasted a lot of time worried of how others feel and it hasn't helped me one bit. No matter what you choose to do never forget your loved and even if Im gone, nobody will love you like I DO, not did, DO. You're my inspiration, my heart, my reason for breathing.... and I wouldn't have it any other way. I hope you can understand the choices I made in life were always for you. I tried my best not to be selfish or leave the outcome out for either of you in every choice I made. You will understand when you have a child. I promise. Just know I am ALWAYS your mommy no matter how old you or I get, and I will always love you unconditionally and just the same. :) I'm not even sure this all made sense I know I've rambled but those are the best kinds of writting because your thoughts just end up coming out instead of you editing as you go.
Love mom.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Bitter Sweet
I've had a lot happen lately. I really just need to vent.... to put it all out there and hope someone will give me some kind of input that might help ease my mind or ease the stress.
We found out at about 10 weeks I have complete previa which means the placenta covers the cervix. They put me on bed rest because I kept spotting and cramping. I spent three weeks on bed rest. Lost two checks and was told I'd be good when allowed to still have a job just less than half my hours I had before. I'm 18 weeks now. I'm getting close to the same point I was when my water broke with Kaycee and it has me very on edge.
I guess Chaz had a misdemeanor court date August 21st that he didn't know of. I mean we've been juggling his felony court dates just fine. Why would we not go to his misdemeanor court date?? A great person put up the 4,000 to bond him out from the felony hold and I will forever owe her for giving me that month with him. He's being held for another 1,000 right now that would be given back on the 30th. If hes in jail when his court date for his felonies comes up he cannot do a continuance like planned. He was trying to avoid going to trial til after the baby was born. He wanted to be there to hold his first child, to sign its birth certificate and of course be there for me. If he faces trial before all that he's talking craziness. He doesn't want to do 15 years while someone else raises his kid. He doesn't want to miss the small things or the important things. He doesn't want me to financially have to do it alone. I don't want to do this alone. I have a man who cares for me, who loves me for me even with my hard moments. An now I'm being told to prepare myself to say goodbye? I think not. I tried pulling loans, loans against my car and even selling anything I could think of. Well don't have the items to make near what I need not even to make a dent. I have no proof of income for the last 45 days so no places want to help with a loan of any kind until I have 45 days of work AND that's only with the income I had prior to bed rest. Now my checks before were 70-74 Hours my checks now will be 30 if I'm lucky..... They are going to laugh if I go back and not to mention I don't have that kind of time.
His birthday is the 24th... He says forget his birthday he's spent them behind bars before he just wants out for my ultrasound Friday and wants to be here when baby comes. I love him for that but no matter how hard I try that moneys not coming. How do you tell the one person you've always been able to be there for and figure SOMETHING out for.... that you have failed? That for the first nothing is going to come up and your scared. I miss him.... I'm so stressed I've lost 10+ pounds and I know that's not healthy but I'm eating.... I'm taking my vitamins. I'm just not ready to say goodbye. I'm supposed to be planning a wedding not a funeral. He is my best friend. I tell him everything. We talk about anything and everything. I love the safety I feel laying next to him. The way he makes me laugh when I really don't want too. The way that I can say things so back asswards and he knows exactly what I meant, though he'll pick on me for a while about it, he knew without me having to fix it. He's the one I want. My baby needs its dad. Deserves the chance to know its dad. They say "Life's not fair" damn right it's not because since July we have hit one bump after the next and just when you think that hole can't go any deeper you drop another 5 feet. I'm waiting to lose my car my credits already done for thanks to the last month, my jobs up in the air..... I'm really lost I don't know how to fix this I keep saying "It has to get better" It just gets worse. I'd give anything to have him back. To prepare for this. Had my car not broke down maybe we could of fixed this.
I need to tell him. I'm still trying but I have no light at the end of the tunnel, I'm not holding my breath anymore.... I just need more time. I don't want anyone else.... Just him. Him, Kaycee and our baby. We work. Kaycee likes him and he's so excited to be a brother. He just can't decide if he wants a brother or a sister, not that he gets to choose but it's funny to hear him say he's having a brother and a sister LOL. NO! 1 baby.... I promise.... O-N-E! Time to toss and turn.... I'll write more after Friday... He says I can't know til he does.... I don't know that I can respect that wish BUT he will know before anyone else if I can't get him out.
We found out at about 10 weeks I have complete previa which means the placenta covers the cervix. They put me on bed rest because I kept spotting and cramping. I spent three weeks on bed rest. Lost two checks and was told I'd be good when allowed to still have a job just less than half my hours I had before. I'm 18 weeks now. I'm getting close to the same point I was when my water broke with Kaycee and it has me very on edge.
I guess Chaz had a misdemeanor court date August 21st that he didn't know of. I mean we've been juggling his felony court dates just fine. Why would we not go to his misdemeanor court date?? A great person put up the 4,000 to bond him out from the felony hold and I will forever owe her for giving me that month with him. He's being held for another 1,000 right now that would be given back on the 30th. If hes in jail when his court date for his felonies comes up he cannot do a continuance like planned. He was trying to avoid going to trial til after the baby was born. He wanted to be there to hold his first child, to sign its birth certificate and of course be there for me. If he faces trial before all that he's talking craziness. He doesn't want to do 15 years while someone else raises his kid. He doesn't want to miss the small things or the important things. He doesn't want me to financially have to do it alone. I don't want to do this alone. I have a man who cares for me, who loves me for me even with my hard moments. An now I'm being told to prepare myself to say goodbye? I think not. I tried pulling loans, loans against my car and even selling anything I could think of. Well don't have the items to make near what I need not even to make a dent. I have no proof of income for the last 45 days so no places want to help with a loan of any kind until I have 45 days of work AND that's only with the income I had prior to bed rest. Now my checks before were 70-74 Hours my checks now will be 30 if I'm lucky..... They are going to laugh if I go back and not to mention I don't have that kind of time.
His birthday is the 24th... He says forget his birthday he's spent them behind bars before he just wants out for my ultrasound Friday and wants to be here when baby comes. I love him for that but no matter how hard I try that moneys not coming. How do you tell the one person you've always been able to be there for and figure SOMETHING out for.... that you have failed? That for the first nothing is going to come up and your scared. I miss him.... I'm so stressed I've lost 10+ pounds and I know that's not healthy but I'm eating.... I'm taking my vitamins. I'm just not ready to say goodbye. I'm supposed to be planning a wedding not a funeral. He is my best friend. I tell him everything. We talk about anything and everything. I love the safety I feel laying next to him. The way he makes me laugh when I really don't want too. The way that I can say things so back asswards and he knows exactly what I meant, though he'll pick on me for a while about it, he knew without me having to fix it. He's the one I want. My baby needs its dad. Deserves the chance to know its dad. They say "Life's not fair" damn right it's not because since July we have hit one bump after the next and just when you think that hole can't go any deeper you drop another 5 feet. I'm waiting to lose my car my credits already done for thanks to the last month, my jobs up in the air..... I'm really lost I don't know how to fix this I keep saying "It has to get better" It just gets worse. I'd give anything to have him back. To prepare for this. Had my car not broke down maybe we could of fixed this.
I need to tell him. I'm still trying but I have no light at the end of the tunnel, I'm not holding my breath anymore.... I just need more time. I don't want anyone else.... Just him. Him, Kaycee and our baby. We work. Kaycee likes him and he's so excited to be a brother. He just can't decide if he wants a brother or a sister, not that he gets to choose but it's funny to hear him say he's having a brother and a sister LOL. NO! 1 baby.... I promise.... O-N-E! Time to toss and turn.... I'll write more after Friday... He says I can't know til he does.... I don't know that I can respect that wish BUT he will know before anyone else if I can't get him out.
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