I've had a lot happen lately. I really just need to vent.... to put it all out there and hope someone will give me some kind of input that might help ease my mind or ease the stress.
We found out at about 10 weeks I have complete previa which means the placenta covers the cervix. They put me on bed rest because I kept spotting and cramping. I spent three weeks on bed rest. Lost two checks and was told I'd be good when allowed to still have a job just less than half my hours I had before. I'm 18 weeks now. I'm getting close to the same point I was when my water broke with Kaycee and it has me very on edge.
I guess Chaz had a misdemeanor court date August 21st that he didn't know of. I mean we've been juggling his felony court dates just fine. Why would we not go to his misdemeanor court date?? A great person put up the 4,000 to bond him out from the felony hold and I will forever owe her for giving me that month with him. He's being held for another 1,000 right now that would be given back on the 30th. If hes in jail when his court date for his felonies comes up he cannot do a continuance like planned. He was trying to avoid going to trial til after the baby was born. He wanted to be there to hold his first child, to sign its birth certificate and of course be there for me. If he faces trial before all that he's talking craziness. He doesn't want to do 15 years while someone else raises his kid. He doesn't want to miss the small things or the important things. He doesn't want me to financially have to do it alone. I don't want to do this alone. I have a man who cares for me, who loves me for me even with my hard moments. An now I'm being told to prepare myself to say goodbye? I think not. I tried pulling loans, loans against my car and even selling anything I could think of. Well don't have the items to make near what I need not even to make a dent. I have no proof of income for the last 45 days so no places want to help with a loan of any kind until I have 45 days of work AND that's only with the income I had prior to bed rest. Now my checks before were 70-74 Hours my checks now will be 30 if I'm lucky..... They are going to laugh if I go back and not to mention I don't have that kind of time.
His birthday is the 24th... He says forget his birthday he's spent them behind bars before he just wants out for my ultrasound Friday and wants to be here when baby comes. I love him for that but no matter how hard I try that moneys not coming. How do you tell the one person you've always been able to be there for and figure SOMETHING out for.... that you have failed? That for the first nothing is going to come up and your scared. I miss him.... I'm so stressed I've lost 10+ pounds and I know that's not healthy but I'm eating.... I'm taking my vitamins. I'm just not ready to say goodbye. I'm supposed to be planning a wedding not a funeral. He is my best friend. I tell him everything. We talk about anything and everything. I love the safety I feel laying next to him. The way he makes me laugh when I really don't want too. The way that I can say things so back asswards and he knows exactly what I meant, though he'll pick on me for a while about it, he knew without me having to fix it. He's the one I want. My baby needs its dad. Deserves the chance to know its dad. They say "Life's not fair" damn right it's not because since July we have hit one bump after the next and just when you think that hole can't go any deeper you drop another 5 feet. I'm waiting to lose my car my credits already done for thanks to the last month, my jobs up in the air..... I'm really lost I don't know how to fix this I keep saying "It has to get better" It just gets worse. I'd give anything to have him back. To prepare for this. Had my car not broke down maybe we could of fixed this.
I need to tell him. I'm still trying but I have no light at the end of the tunnel, I'm not holding my breath anymore.... I just need more time. I don't want anyone else.... Just him. Him, Kaycee and our baby. We work. Kaycee likes him and he's so excited to be a brother. He just can't decide if he wants a brother or a sister, not that he gets to choose but it's funny to hear him say he's having a brother and a sister LOL. NO! 1 baby.... I promise.... O-N-E! Time to toss and turn.... I'll write more after Friday... He says I can't know til he does.... I don't know that I can respect that wish BUT he will know before anyone else if I can't get him out.
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